


Lonely Thoughts

by PainfulStitches17



Category: Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six (Video Games)
Genre: Character Death, Death, Gen, Graphic Description, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Violent Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2019-10-28 12:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17787401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PainfulStitches17/pseuds/PainfulStitches17
Summary: Chpt 1 : There's nothing worse than being stuck in your own head, Bandit knows that.Chpt 2 : Jäger can struggle too.Chpt 3 : Curls...22/02/2019 : I'm turning this into a collection of "angsty" chapters and changing the title to Lonely Thoughts  :)





	1. Chapter 1

_It would be coming any minute now._

The more he thought about it, the more he recounted everything his brain contained, the _worse_ he felt. He couldn't cry and in some way thank god for that because a grown man of his reputation crying in the middle of the common room would be quite shameful for him. But maybe he wouldn't care, like everything else it would get lost to him, the ability to _give a fuck_ was out of his grasp on most things.

_Any minute now._

The buzzing feeling, an anchor in his chest deepening by the second, like it was attached to his heart and bringing it down in deep sea, his body sinking until his head was underwater, suffocating in his own thoughts. It was akin to drowning in _toxic waste_ , no matter how hard he tried to pull his head out the poison would keep polluting his mind. He felt _numb_ like he had so many times before but it felt _different_. Nothing had a purpose, he looked at other people and felt nothing but a sense of boredom, there was no need to try and socialise, it was _pointless_ , maybe they'd even be _dead_ tomorrow. The box of chocolates sitting on his lap was but a bother, eating didn't make sense anymore. Everything was bland and hurt him more than it satisfied his hunger, so he slowly cut down the amounts. Had anybody realized it ? Maybe Gustave did, he started performing poorly. He would find excuses to be absent at most meals for the past week and Elias would look at him with an air of worry _that made him want to claw his own skin off_. He was ready to make himself sick just to feel _something else_ but now that it was in front of him, there was nothing but disgust.

_It shouldn't take so long._

He wanted to drop dead, anticipating his body to magically give out by merely thinking about it long enough. _It didn't work that way and he wished it fucking did_. He wasn't crazy or selfish enough to try and get himself shot on a mission, he didn't have the courage to end it right there when it would undermine his colleagues. Nobody would ask, an honest tragedy, they would move on and he would be replaced. Anger pooling in his stomach, _it wasn't fair_ , he saw people die, people who didn't deserve it, people who were struggling and had no other choice, people whose lives were forcefully taken. He thought _he would have been dead by now_ , he'd deserve it for his actions. By the end of Hannover, his future was uncertain, he didn't see himself go past his forties but his _brother_ was always there to grab him by the wrist and keep him going forward.

And then he got ambushed in that auto shop outside Frankfurt. He had his own little creation both a blessing and a curse.

And then there was a mistake, inattention, a fight, a struggle and _screams_ he would hear every night for the next _six years_. He still saw the blood flowing, fists aching for more but the body sitting still and when he got closer to the man lying a few meters away on the floor, half of himself died in an instant. His revenge almost cost him his job but his oversight cost him the most precious thing he could've asked for.

**He didn't have a brother anymore.**

_How long has it been ?_

Nausea got stronger, a ache in his chest. He felt destructive, his hands were itching for a massacre and he would be the only victim, vivid images flooding his mind. _Maybe he could cut down some flesh a little ? Gauge his eyes out, pull out his teeth, hack off a limb why wouldn't he ?_ Maybe...

Maybe he should do something else, some were staring at him as he started to shake.

_I can't wait any longer._

He got up and immediately went into auto-pilot, kept going until he reached the yellow doors. He was hesitating now, the last thing he wanted was to be a burden on top of the rest. The sight of Jäger losing himself in his work felt homey, something he has seen almost every day for the past four years in the workshop.

He was one of the few that would make him feel _that flutter_.

Approaching as nonchalantly as possible,  holding the shakiness back, he sat down on the wobbly chair he always picked. Jäger's reaction was delayed, as usual.

"Oh, sorry. What's going on Dominic ?"  
"I'm bored."  
"You really need a hobby." His laugh was as warm as ever.  
"You're my hobby. Where are the others ?" He hadn't realised the usuals weren't there as they're always so quiet.  
"Mute managed to convince them to get afternoon tea somewhere near the base. Have you eaten already ? Fuze gave me a whole pack of KitKats, let's go take a break outside."

Jäger got up without waiting for an agreement, he knew Bandit would follow him either way. The sun felt nice on their skin, a warm breeze passing through messy and curly hair. Sitting on the grass at the backside of the base was a ritual for the both of them, relatively quiet compared to the other locations. Jäger eagerly broke into the package, giving Bandit a treat. He had no intentions to eat but he could try to save face and make Jäger happy.

They stayed there in silence for a good ten minutes, the younger man stuffing his face like there was no tomorrow. How did he manage not to accidentally die from the sugar rush by crashing somewhere ? Bandit would occasionally look at him, something that lifted this dreadful feeling. He really was oblivious to the way Bandit's body would tense up, not a bad thing this time around.  
"He gave you your favorite biscuits, is Fuze flirting with you ?" The idea was killing him for some reason.  
"Oh my God, no ! He was regifting it from Tachanka." Jäger seemed shocked at the idea.  
"Good, nobody should touch you." _He didn't buy it. He was his and he would fight the Uzbek_.  
"Dominic, you're not my older brother ! Although... That would've been nice. Some things would've been easier, you know ? I like you." The bright smile on his face was a sight to behold, a natural beauty.

Something in Dominic clicked at the words. Brother ? A strong _need_ , keep Marius safe, nothing should ever harm him, he couldn't let him suffer, not again, _not like-_

The sobs left him without a warning, his heart shattered into a million pieces. There was nothing he could do, losing himself under the weight of his thoughts. Hands planted themselves on his shoulders, going up and down his back as to try and calm him down. Jäger kept repeating himself, _'what's wrong Dom ?', 'what's going on ?', 'Did I hurt you ?', 'Please don't cry...', 'Talk to me Dominic'_ all in the softest voice possible.

"I would've loved to Marius."

Maybe, just maybe he could wait a little longer.


	2. Try again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jäger can struggle too.

Anger is a natural emotion, it's normal to get upset, frustrated, a myriad of feelings building up like steam that you have to let out. Sometimes steam escapes without meaning to, sometimes the pressure is so hard to handle you can't stop yourself from exploding.

Jäger knew that pretty well.

He hadn't meant for everyone to see, hadn't meant to hit himself repeatedly, hadn't meant to push IQ away when she tried to stop him, hadn't meant to sound so harsh when Blitz showed rightful concern as he had just witnessed him strangling himself, hadn't meant to give Bandit a dirty look as he stared with his usual blank face as Jäger was scratching his face, hadn't meant to practically run away.

He simply hadn't meant to.

Weeks of feeling under the weather, a mixture of having to pretend and the fatigue that ensued, anger pooling in his stomach as a result. He couldn't simply bottle himself up, every little quirks that owed him side glances and whispers like he was _broken and abnormal_. He couldn't stomach the curious looks, the fear or awkwardness, the incomprehension or even the comments, not just on base. Yes he was rocking back and forth quite a lot sometimes, yes he would keep making the same annoying noise some people chewed him out for because they were working (which Mute dubbed "the fish" and that made it better), yes he couldn't handle the noise tonight out of all nights, no he wasn't "a party pooper". He tried keeping them under control.

Truly, he felt different.

So different in fact he couldn't figure out how people worked. What were they really thinking ? What was that expression ? That person was annoyed right ? Not even mentioning how tones meant nothing most of the time, let alone two thirds of what Bandit was saying. Was that _sarcasm_ , a joke ? With the years he managed to try and be his best self, kind, caring, a shoulder to rest on. All a facade. He had no clue how to be those things, most were learned, not innate.

He felt fake.

"You're so self-centered, don't talk to me again."  
He started actively telling himself to keep it shut.  
"Wow, that's rude, do you kiss your mother with that mouth ?"  
He didn't have a mother but she probably wouldn't like it.  
"Gosh you're boring, please stop talking."  
So he shut down and quietly left after a while.  
"You've been talking for ten minutes straight, could you not ?"  
He's been a bit too apologetic ever since.

But even then, despite his best efforts, it would happen again, and again, _and again_ , **and again**. He was tired of it, tired of himself.

The workshop's radio was broken and he had settled on repairing it as a way to change his mind and push out the subsequent fatigue his meltdown brought. Sitting right on the concrete near the fire exit, taking apart the device with ease as he made mental notes of the way every single piece fit together. There was no way he wouldn't be in awe while gutting the insides of different appliances, taking in every single details and making them his own, gently tucked into his brain for later use. It was satisfying, quenched his never-ending curiosity.

But not everything could go right on the first try. He had prodded at the insides for hours, now down quite several attempts. _It just wouldn't turn on_. Picking it apart, putting it back together, over and over and over _and over and over and over-_

He couldn't take it anymore, the radio made a satisfying _crunch_ as the plastic made violent contact with the ground, several pieces flying around. Face in his hands, he had to stop the scream of frustration building up at the back of his throat. _Why couldn't he do something so simple, something he had done before ? Why couldn't everything be as easy as for everyone else ? What was he missing ?_ **Was he really a heartless monster ? Was that it ?**

Shifting next to him broke his train of thought but he had no intention to look up. Someone sat next to him, the smell of cigarette making its way to his nose. _Bandit_. The only one who didn't ask questions, the only one who would stare but not bring it up, the only one who seemed to just _get it_ and let him be himself, the only one who had the right to interfere when he would harm himself. While he would exceed everyone's threshold, Bandit never showed annoyance and if he did, it wouldn't sound like the others, _it would sound encouraging in his unique way._

"You showed that radio who's boss." Bandit's voice sounded deeper in their mother tongue, _he liked that_.  
"It won't work." A hand found its way on his back.  
"And ? You can't save everything. What are you, Bob the builder ?" A small laugh left his lips along a cloud of smoke.  
"Why can't I get this right Dominic ?"  
"You know" Bandit brought Jäger closer to him. "You can't always do everything right, especially if you don't have the right manual. Everything is different, similar yeah, but they mostly work in diverse ways. If you're trying with the wrong instructions, it won't work, Hm ? Let's go get you some cake, the other two made if for you and I've been craving it."

The arm around his shoulders as they walked back gave him a sense of _belonging_. Bandit's words were stuck in his head until the next day, _he was talking about the radio, right ?_ It got repaired in the end as they worked together, taped down in some spots by Bandit sure, but it was working alright.

"It reminds me of you." Bandit said, ruffling his hair.

"I'm proud of you Marius."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote it last night and felt like posting it !
> 
> Thank you for reading <3


	3. Curls

He liked playing with his brunette curls, it had become a habit ever since Marius started falling asleep head on his thighs. It had reminded Dominic of Cedrick, memories from a time long since passed.

He liked how the pilot showed unfaltering trust, something he had needed ever since he came back to the "real world" over ten years ago, someone to recognize him for who he was and not the actions he had to take.

He liked how he could take care of him like he had his own brother, albeit sometimes finding Marius needy. He had clearly missed a lot in that department despite the efforts his uncle made. Dominic would protect him no matter what, he had promised, he wouldn't let the same fate happen to him. He swore he wouldn't.

 

But he didn't like it today. Maybe the fact that removing Marius' helmet and balaclava felt wrong. Maybe the fact that his eyes took on a glassy look while they were staring right back at him. Maybe the fact that the blood on Dominic's fingers was turning cold and dirtying his hair, the beautiful brown hair he liked so much. The slightly golden skin turned pale, Marius looked washed out against the grass he was laying on, on the worn out jeans Dominic wore and his head was resting against even. Wasn't it funny how he would keep telling him to throw them out and Dominic never did ? He had no choice now, they were soaked in blood.

There were no comments as fingers twirled and twirled around the soft curls. No whine pretending he didn't like it. No soft breaths indicating he had fallen asleep. Nothing.

 

He didn't want to let go.

 

Not when he had to be taken away, but Dominic didn't fight it.

Not when he saw the body bag sitting mere meters away.

Not when Monika crumbled into his arms and nothing could put her back together.

Not when Elias became pale and didn't eat for weeks.

Not when his belongings had to be put away and sent back.

Not when they had so much more to say to each other.

He didn't want to let go but in the end, it was his own failure. He broke the promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3


	4. A way out

The clinking of metal and glass, creaking benches, paper napkins being ruffled, chairs dragging on the floor, wine and soft drinks opened with a loud _pop_ , incessant chatter all around making his head spin, the outbursts of belly laughs almost deafening, shouts pushing out the air out of his lungs once they hit.

Jäger couldn't take it tonight, in all these years he learned to manage his issues but his demons would crawl back out, it was a never-ending fight. A big hit on the white masks was always a cause of celebration, anyone present on base would join in if they could. Here he was, sandwiched between Bandit and Blitz, IQ sitting in front of them while being squeezed between Ash and Twitch herself. The cafeteria's tables had been pushed together in order to fit the operators in one place as best as possible. 'Dinner' consisted mainly of junk food, good enough for a party. He had a hard time swallowing it down and he gave up after a while, his hunger being replaced with nausea. The world was spinning as he was trying to comprehend whatever Elias was saying in a continuous string of words, the others hung on them. The tingling sensation rose as Tachanka laughed at one end of the table, the rest of the Russians either sighing or laughing with him.

"Marius ? Are you listening ?" He met Elias' eyes. No, he wasn't, and had he been he wouldn't have gotten a clue what it was about either way. He shook his head, the other frowning slightly. "I asked you if you remembered that mission in Japan where Smoke bought that big cat costume ?"  
Oh, that. Nothing was coming out of his mouth, he nodded instead. Elias went back to recounting his tale, every syllable hammering at his ears.

Everything was gradually becoming too much, the flickering of that one neon light which had not been fixed yet, the drumming of Thermite's fingers, Buck singing off key somewhere in the room, _another bottle going off with a POP, a chair falling to the ground out of clumsiness, Elias pushing into him without meaning to, he had to move, get up and leave, he had to go, now, now, now-_

**He had to find a way out.**

Eyes darting left and right, looking desperately for an escape, chest heaving, the thumb drawing circles on his palm wasn't helping, he was getting worse by the second. He pushed his chair back, ready for a beeline to the nearest exit. Just before leaving with no intention to return, he noticed the piercing gaze of Bandit on himself, analysing with his usual deadpan expression. _What was he looking for ?_

Marius got up without a word, ignoring the questions rising behind his back, Navigating through drunk men harder than he had anticipated, his vision tunnelling. He walked until the noise stopped, until the soft buzz of appliances nearby was the only thing heard, until the darkness overtook his senses. He sat on the first flight of stairs he found. Hands now drawn to his face, Jäger started rubbing with force, pression relieving the brewing tension under his skin, friction burning after countless back and forth. Pain was a relief, but it wasn't enough. Nails replaced fingers, red streaks appearing on the pale skin following the defined curves of his face. Elbows digging into his thighs, knuckles now pressed against his skull in order to stop the urge to rip pieces of skin. Everything screamed more pain, violent images flooding his mind with a need for blood, any way to make these overwhelming sensations disappear, wouldn't be the first time. The rocking started without meaning to, automatic and before long, he lost his sense of time.

"Marius ? _Marius_  ?"

A whisper in his ear broke the spell, puffy eyes fell on the older man before him. _Since when had he been crying, slouched over his knees ?_  Dominic smelled like alcohol, cigarette and a hint of cologne, it had become Marius' reminder of _home_.

"You look like _Scheiße today_ " Dominic made a soft smile.

No sound could make it out of his throat, he was unable to speak, unable to tell his closest friend the amount of pain he was in. A hand hesitantly made its way to Dominic's hoodie as he forced himself to move, tugging at it gently.

"Come here, this isn't a good place to rest."

Bandit helped him up, an arm around trembling shoulders in hope to not let the man crumble to the floor. It felt like they had done this several times before, sometimes with gear on and a lot more blood, roles switched as needed. They took care of each other.   
Marius hit the cold sheets with a sigh, it was welcome against his seemingly burning skin.

"Get out of your jeans, you can't sleep comfortably in those."

He was reminded about how Dominic was the brother Marius never had and Marius the one filling the void Cedrick had left in Dominic's heart, wasn't unusual for the two. This is something the pilot thought about a lot simply because it was the truth. He would've laughed had he could turning his attention to his jeans instead, pulling them off and tossing them somewhere would suffice. He was closely followed by the other German.

He was going to sleep well tonight, despite it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a vent from February I hadn't posted.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading !
> 
> This is completely raw, I spent little time on it, I just needed to vent in some way so I'm making Bandit suffer instead !  
> I still love him though.
> 
> Hope you liked it anyway <3


End file.
